what happens happens

wow
it’s been such a long time. so many things going on that i can’t even begin to write about them. i’ve been feeling a lot of stress lately. i’m as broke as a toy truck the day after christmas and there always seems to be something broken or needing mending that i am fortunate just to keep up with them.

my washer’s lid switch broke. i replaced that myself with a $20 dollar part. after a lot of research that is.

i went out one morning to go to work and my tire was flat. it took a few days but was able to get the tire off and patched and i put it back on myself. that was all free.
i then took my car in last week so the tires could get balanced and found out i needed new tires. they were on sale.

i went away for the weekend in august and when i came back i found that my fridge wasn’t working. luckily it was something that only cost around $100 instead of $300

yesterday i saw that my headlight was out and i plan on replacing that myself or maybe convinced the boyfriend to do it.

brad got laid off a couple of weeks ago.

my company changed insurance and have gone with a high deductible hsa insurance. as of right now it’s not so bad of a choice for me.

and last week all of a sudden my cat’s eyed stayed dilated and now she is blind and the vet doesn’t know why. but while at the vet they ran a complete bloodwork test and i found out that c.c. is anemic. great. the fastest cure is a drug called epogen. it’s suppose to quickly bring animals back from the brink of anemia. however, once the shots are started they are to be given forever. the drug is expensive and it would be a monthly. over the last few days i have been going through a lot of emotions about c.c. and yesterday when i went to the vet to pick up the forever anemia drug i broke down and asked the vet “is this worth it?” and the end result is no. it’s not worth it. c.c. is dying from kidney failure and there is nothing i can do about it. curing the anemia isn’t going to stop her from having kidney failure. so instead of leaving with the epogen i left with an iron supplement. and i also left with a peace that i haven’t felt before about c.c. no more fighting a losing battle. i am going to make her as comfortable and as hydrated as i can. as long as she isn’t suffering then what happens happens. right now she gets up and drinks and walks around but since she can’t see she mainly lays in her chair. she is responsive to people but just tired.


it all makes me tired just writing about it.

they come in 3's

man i am slacking in my post. sometimes there is just too much happening and i don’t know where to start.
let’s see what’s been happening.

in the world these are the people who have died, died. well not in the entire world cause i don’t have that kind of access.

farrah fawcett- sad but i can’t say that i was a huge fan. i did grow up during the charlie’s angels days but i’m not into blonds or girls.

michael jackson-stole farrah’s death thunder. apparently a drug addict. what amazes me is that with all this news coming out about his drug problem that people still want to blame others for his addiction. it seems he was surrounded by enablers. but you know what? mj made his choices. if mj wasn’t in his right mind to make his own choices then he should have been locked up with other crazy people who are not able to make his own choices. musical genius yes, a musical genius with fucked up issues with drugs and little boys abso-freakin-lutly.

billy mays-the oxi clean guy. there is a guy i work with that on the first meeting i immediately called him billy mays. he looks like him, he is built like him and in some ways talks like him. you know that cheesy salesman talk that i am surprised that people still buy into. and for a long time i was wary of billy mays because of this other guy, but then watched an episode of “pitch men” and found that he is not always yelling at people and is quite likeable. as for the other guy i work with...well.

karl malden and ed mcmahon-sorry to here but they were well into the 80’s and it’s just a natural progression of things.

david carradine-liked kinky sex and died having it. with himself. i don’t really believe there was anyone else in the room with him.

steve mcnair-possibly died at the hands of his 20 yr old mistress. that would be kind of difficult to tell the children. this also hit close to home. he died in nashville and they showed his memorial on channel 5 instead of big brother. i wasn’t pleased about it.

even though i don’t think people should be praised when they have questionable values i feel sorry for the children that were left behind. i have no doubt that mj and s.m. were good fathers and will be deeply missed by their children.

oh yeah
sarah palin resigned as governor-yeah, everybody loves a quitter.

heart flutters and the change

let’s talk about hormones and the change. i’m 42 and perimenopausal. i also have no fear of the change. in fact i welcome it with open arms. and a lucky factor for me is that my mother and sister went through menopause in their early 40’s. my mother claims that she was 42 when she went through menopause. so goody for me.

in april i went for my physical and told my doctor (who happens to be a woman) that i am having symptoms of perimenopause and i have also been having heart flutters for years. this she knows because i always bitch about them. heart flutters can be one of the most annoying things to happen. the good part is, is that they are normal for the most part but for those who can feel them they can lead to anxiety. that’s what has happened to me. my flutters would last ALL day and then would lead to anxiety because they wouldn’t stop. i would gladly trade heart flutters for hot flashes. that’s how much they bother me.

i should also mention that there is no pain with the flutters. just an annoying extra beat that would not go away.

so on this office visit i told her that i had had enough. she at least believed me that i was perimenopausal and was experiencing symptoms but to be safe (cause that’s the kind of doctor i have) she wanted me to wear a event heart monitor for 30 days. well freaking great. i know several people who can walk into a doctor’s office and see a doctor they have never seen before and walk out with some addictive pain medication and i get the doctor who has to test everything before she will give up some non-addictive anti-anxiety drug. because that’s what i fully believe would relieve me of my flutters.

so anyhoo, i went a week later to pick up my heart monitor kit. it had little sticky tabs that get stuck to my body with metal tabs and a cord that had 2 leads that got clipped onto the little sticky tabs. then the cord gets hooked onto the monitor. now since i had an event monitor instead of a monitor that recorded all the time i had to push a button when i felt the flutters. an event monitor only records 3 events then you have to use a land line phone to send the information over. i did this for a month. after a month i mailed the monitor back in and on tuesday the nurse called to say that everything looked good but i was experiencing
Premature Ventricular Complexes or PVC’s for short. usually a normal occurrence during peri-. so before she hung up i said i wanted something to make them stop. a few hours later the nurse called back and said that the doctor would prescribe SERTRALINE. a generic zoloft. yeah yeah yeah. i have been on them for a day and a half now and i have experienced only the start of a flutter then they go away. i can’t wait to see what will happen months from now.

bring on the change mother nature.

things that happened in april or that didn't happen

i waited a month on purpose this time to post anything. it seems that a lot has happened in april so this post is long.
my cat c.c. has kidney failure and has been needing to go to the vet every month since january. but april,,,no vet. and she really hasn't had any bad days either. what helps is the sub-q's that c.c. now gets about 5 days a week. no more every other day. i don't think that was working too well. luckily i have a great boyfriend who will stop by on his way home (he has to pass by my house anyway) to do the sticking. he has yet to let me try. but i'm not complaining. c.c. is teaching me to live one day at a time. not to look forward on what might happen with her. it's too stressful anyway.
my mom had to put her cat to sleep last week. mom's cat's name was sassy. poor sassy started not being able to breath so after many vet visits they found a mass attached to her larynx and removed it. they sent it out for test and it came back showing cancer. needless to say mom was very upset, and after the removal of the mass sassy never got any better and since not many can afford chemo for their cats she decided to end her suffering and put her down. my niece took sassy to the vet so mother wouldn't have too. at this point mother doesn't even know where my brother buried her.
my brother called yesterday to tell me that my nephew had gone to get the chair we were getting mother for mother's day. he asked if i knew about sassy and that he thinks that mother took sassy's passing harder than our dad's passing. now i don't know if that's true or not but our father was sick for years and that allows a lot of time to mourn. losing a pet that you have taken care of for over a decade leaves a big hole in the heart especially if that pet was your constant companion since our fathers passing.

the fact of the matter is YOUR EITHER A ANIMAL LOVER OR YOUR NOT.

also in april i found out that a friend from college and who also did some work for me around the house (he was a handyman by trade) was found with his truck flipped in the river and drowned. we had an awful lot of rain last month and the roads were always wet. i am assuming that is what happened. dave was a very good and unique individual. it also came as a shock. he will be missed. he wasn't someone who ever faded into the background of any gathering.

another person who died was a man from my work. his name was kerry and was loved and respected greatly. well i guess a fair statement would be you either loved him or hated him but i would bet that he was respected either way. kerry worked hard and played hard and had trouble with his heart but phenomena took him. he never came back from all the infections. he was what i considered old-school business. he shot from the hip and didn't bullshit around things with fancy words. not to say he wasn't a bullshitter but he didn't really hold any punches with people. i loved him a lot. and still have problems with the reality of him not being around. his presence was huge and the hole that is left is even greater. i know he is somewhere running up a bar tab from all the whiskey and diet cokes he loves to drink. and the bar also allows smoking. cheers kerry.

and finally, the man who lost his wife and baby in the tornadoes that passed through the boro on good friday. out of all the devastation only 2 lost their lives which i find amazing. not to say that those 2 lives weren't important any loss is too many but only that's it's surprising. people were sucked out of their homes and 1 kid had a car land on him but from what i read they are doing well.

so from all the loss i appreciate what i have. i may be poor but i have my life, and my friends and family are in good health and my cat is still greeting me when i come home.

prayers and blessings to all who have suffered.

wildlife at work

ok. so i work in an industrial area and over the years have noticed the abundance of wildlife. i love it. it seems what i see the most of is crows. i am assuming that there are so many crows because there is so much to eat around the area. i’ve seen them land in truck beds to steal whatever the driver tossed in the back or trash that they are carting off to the dump. they hang out on the power lines and caw just because they can. my favorite is when 2 get together and talk to each other. i know they are up to no good. i imagine they are planning a hostile take over of the “blue-jays” trees. i’ve seen them try. but so far all that happens is is that the “blue jays” start attacking the crows and chasing them around in the sky. it just proves that many can take on one. so don’t mess with the jays man, they will take you out.

another thing i have noticed it the migration of butterflies. a couple of years ago me, brad and a co-worker were outside and we kept noticing all these butterflies coming from the north going to the south. one right after the other. brad of course who knows everything said they were migrating. well that made sense but i have never seen it happen anywhere else. why did they choose that side of the building? of all the space out there why right above our heads? don’t know but it was cool. so every year i look for them.

"the sorry syndrome" and why it drives me crazy

an online definition for the word sorry states
sor-ry
1. feeling or expressing sympathy, pity or regret
2. worthless or inferior; paltry
3. causing sorrow, grief, or misfortune; grievous

for awhile now i have noticed the over use of the word “sorry” at my work. instead of saying “excuse me”, “pardon me”, “ok”, “oh, let me get out of your way” or just plain ol’ keeping your mouth shut i hear “sorry” at least five times a day. and i will add that it comes from women. younger women.

examples-i will be walking into a room and another woman will be coming the other way and instead of saying excuse me she will say “sorry”. i will go up to a woman and tell them that the next time they run the report they will have to do it a different way and instead of saying ok they will say “sorry”.

there are times that i just want to yell “stop fucking apologizing, you didn’t hurt me. so please shut up”. but i don’t say that aloud. i’m sure that in some way it could get me written up. i have many times in the past asked the person to stop apologizing but that doesn’t seem to work. and at other times i want to shake the victim mind set out of them. but of course that wont work either. it would just keep them there in the mind set.

what’s up women?

well apparently what’s up is “The Sorry Syndrome”, suffering from the habit of apologizing all the time. i just now looked this up online and it confirmed my theory of why these women say “i’m sorry” ALL THE FREAKING TIME.

low self esteem, low self worth, the feeling that they are unworthy and i am. also i do believe that these women are or were in relationships where they are or were constantly apologizing to a disrespectful abusive ass hole of a man or woman. parent, sibling, caretaker, mate in order to keep the peace. the article states that “ritual or not, if you keep apologizing, it becomes a form of depression. when you accept blame, even though you are not at fault, it shows a weak character. by saying sorry, you give away your power, and this jeopardizes your image”

Do You Suffer from the Sorry Syndrome?

Here’s a quick way of finding out. Would you say sorry in the following situations? If yes, then it’s time to stop saying ‘sorry’.

• If you’ve not understood something. (what i would say-“what? i don’t get it”)

• If you brush against someone. - (“excuse me” now i have found myself saying “i’m sorry” if it’s to someone i don’t know and it was a “run into moment’” instead of a brush against someone moment)

• When you’re trying to settle an argument. (well this depends on what side i’m on. but never sorry)

• When you’re aware that you know better, but you would rather humour the opposite person. (that’s easy. i just say “ok” and give them a superior smile)

• When you are trying to be assertive about a situation. (please, i’m always assertive so no no sorry there)

• When you know you have done something because there was a need for it. (why would i apologize for that?)

• When you know you are better educated than someone you are talking to. (i would just talk to them on their level, i don’t apologize for my intelligence)

no i don’t think i would say sorry to any of these except for “running into someone”. actually i don’t think i say “i’m sorry” enough. that can be a problem in certain situations but i always feel that if i say sorry and not mean it , i have lost or given in to something. i guess it’s also because i never want to accept blame when i didn’t do it or cause the problem. i do take responsibility for my actions though and i have no problem owning up to my mistakes.

but i do over use “quotation” marks. we all have flaws.

so ladies if you suffer from THE SORRY SYNDROME please seek help and stop it. never apologize unless some major damage has been caused. don’t give away your power.

where is it? where is spring?

what’s happening people? it’s all good on my side. the days are getting longer and warmer. i can’t wait until i can open up my windows for days on end. for some reason i always have better sleep with the windows open. maybe the night sounds just lull me into a deeper sleep. i sometimes will sneeze a lot the next morning but that goes away after a couple cups of coffee.


kitty update-it’s been a month since my darling was diagnosed with CRF and after a few weeks of being on the emotional rollercoaster with her not eating she is now acting like everything is a-ok. she eats her special food and the pill taking has become 2nd nature. granted i am sure she would rather not have to take pills but i am hoping that she has resigned to the fact that i will be opening up her mouth twice daily to give her the azodyl for the rest of her life. which i hope is a very very long time.

i’ve actually gotten quite good at it if i say so myself. it took me a couple of weeks to figure out exactly where to put the pill so that it immediately gets swallowed. now it takes just a few seconds. i’ve also found myself forgetting about it, nothing like forgetting until the next day but forgetting for an hour.

one day at a time

a couple of weeks ago on a saturday c.c. the love of my life became lethargic. which is never a good sign in a cat. and even before that morning she had started exhibiting strange behavior. but i was unable to take her to the vet because they like to get their money before you walk out the door and money was something that i didn't have so i just hoped that whatever it was would pass. it didn't pass.

on the first vet visit they pulled blood for a test that would be sent off and did some other test they could do in-house. they sent her home with an antibiotic because she had a kidney infection and the "big"test results would come back the next day. when the test came back it looked like she has CHRONIC RENAL FAILURE or CRF.
no cure, no coming back from. i felt like i was going to lose my girl within hours. but my girl is a fighter and she started having more energy the next day. she didn't like the liquid antibiotics. it's bad enough to give a cat a pill but the liquid..well she didn't like it one bit. but she got it twice a day anyway. on tuesday i picked up from the vet AZODYL a newish drug for CRF in animals. so now she is getting 2 medications twice a day. and i read everything i could find on the internet about CRF. i found out that there are boo-koos of articles about it. CRF is one of the most common problems in older cats and dogs. i realized that people out there in the world on all continents have written something on this problem. pets are important to us and i found so many websites that was filled with info to help people who are going through this crisis. i learned that she needs to have her diet changed to a low protein/low sodium/low phosphorous food. at this point she wasn't eating anything. i could get her to drink water but i couldn't find anything that she would eat. even though she started have more energy and acted like she was hungry she wouldn't touch the food. on many of the websites i read that i needed to get food into her and if she wouldn't eat the right food i should at least give her something not good for her just to get food in her belly. so i found out that deli turkey did the trick. so deli turkey is what she got. i would stand over her while she ate, i would take her to her water bowl and watch over her as she drank and i was filled with so much worry and stress. i felt i had no control over the situation. but i never prayed for her to live, i prayed that she would not suffer and not be in pain. so by that friday c.c. was acting like her old self. within 7 days she was starting to act like her old self with the exception of having an appetite. so last friday i took her back to the vet to see if there had been any change in her blood work.
now dropping her off at the vet while i went to work just about killed me. leaving her there all day by herself sent me into a panic. but i dwelt with it and worried all day until the vet called and said that she was looking and acting so much better that they wanted to do the "big test" again because there could be a possibility that she had some sort of "itis" and not CRF. my hopes soared for her.
so after work i went to pick her up. the vet said that she was an angel all day, letting them put needles in her and do all sorts of test, that is until they had the great idea to trim her nails. i could have told them that that was probably not a good idea. it pissed her off bigtime. i had asked for a pill form of the antibiotic because the liquid was not happening, and the vet was going to give her the antibiotic before we left. c.c. sliced the nice vet lady up. so we put her back in the box and i gave her the antibiotic later at home. they also gave c.c. subcutaneous fluids. that's where they inject fluid underneath the skin. or so i think. i am not the best person to give correct technical info. but anyway it helped with the peeing and pooping and her with her appetite. de-hydration can be a killer also.
so i left the vet with high hopes for c.c. there was that possibility that she could be cured of the "itis" and not have CRF at all. i never received the call about the test on saturday which did bother me a bit but for some reason an acceptance came over me. no matter what she had i was going to deal with it one day at a time. sunday came and the vet called and said "sorry but c.c. has CRF and now it's up to quality of life". so now c.c is eating her diet food and is getting her AZODYL twice a day and is peeing and pooping and acting like her old self which is all i can ask for. the AZODYL seems to be doing it's thing and c.c. hasn't shown any of the complications with the drug that i have read could happen. there is no timeline for CRF. from what i read it could be months or years before she takes a turn for the worst. and i have decided that i will do whatever that i possible can to make sure she sticks to her diet and takes her pills. i say that like she is the one who controls it.

if you are reading this and your pet has CRF and happens to be on AZODYL, remember that the drug must be kept cold and can't be broken open in order for the pet to ingest it. it needs to bypass the stomach and make it into the intestines. and if you buy the drug online it must be shipped to you in cold packs.

another opening another show

the title of this entry is from the musical "kiss me kate"  but for some of us who was in the show many years ago it was called "kiss me ass".    ok yes this was a random thought.  new year-another opening.

for the start of this year i decided to completely bail on the ritual and habits that i have done for many, many years in the past.   i decided to NOT DO A DAMN THING. 

i haven't wash dishes 

i haven't cooked a meal, (this does not included microwavable food)

i haven't swept the floors 

i didn't change the sheets on the bed

i haven't vacuumed

i haven't smudged

and the list goes on, but only in the brain.

i haven't done any of this normal new year's rituals until today.  i wanted to try something new.  throw  caution to the wind and NOT DO A DAMN THING.  and by the looks of it, the normal things pertained to work of some sort.  i don't know how this will effect the cosmic wheel of my life but it felt good to be a rebel against myself.  

i hope you rebel against yourself in the coming year.

so i got a new digital camera for christmas.  a sony cybershot, the cool slim-line one with a touch screen.   love it.  it has a smile detector and will take the picture automatically when the subject has satisfied the smile meter.  and with my new camera i was finally able to take a picture of my partner in life.

none other than c.c. spyder. a 12 year old chocolate calico that is too intelligent for most other creatures. this is how she looks at me most of the time. with disdain
and she doesn't tolerate fools easily.