the hokey pokey philosophy

new year's eve. i just finished smudging my house and updating the protection barriers for the coming year. i haven't cleaned the house like i would have wanted but this year i decided to let go and throw out STUFF that i have been keeping around the house for years. i re-arranged cabinets and drawers. and now the weather outside has turned windy. for me the wind is blowing out the old and bringing in the new. and as i sat down to burn sweet grass and talk to myself and the goddess about what i wanted to achieve in the coming year, i thought about the HOKEY POKEY. yes the HOKEY POKEY as in the children's song the HOKEY POKEY. i had decided that i wanted more magic in my life. when i was younger i loved 'magic' the unexplained, the mystical side of life. and the hokey pokey came to mind. don't know why, didn't ask why. i'm just listening to the "inner child"... yeah i know-new agey, but listen to me.

remember when as a child you were asked to stand in a circle and sing along...
"you put your right arm in, you take your right arm out, you put your right arm in and you shake it all about. you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. that's what it's all about!" the song is repeated with different body parts and then the song tells you to put your whole body in. and that's where it can get really crazy.

i remember
i loved the hokey pokey as a child and i love the hokey pokey now and i've decided to turn it into a philosophy. the circle equals a community, a togetherness, a common bond. the middle of the circle is life. the body parts that enter the circle are different aspects of ourselves. we are asked to enter life, but we choose to leave the
center. some leave for good and choose not to reenter and walk away thinking that's a stupid song. but some go back into the center and get that aspect of our life shaken all about. but we do the dance and we turn ourselves around in whatever form that takes. and that's what it's all about. life is a dance. right now mine might be the hokey pokey. who knows. in the coming year think about what's your dance of life.

see ya in the new year.

i'm still standing

d-day for layoff's at my place of employment have come and gone. the deed was done on monday, much to everyone's surprise. but i am still here.
it was a very sad day. there were 5 people laid off from my side of the building. 4 of the women i have known for 9 years. the other 1 i knew for 2 years. i saw and talked to these ladies more than i saw or talked to my friends and family. i heard about their children and their children's children. i knew the quirks and i could tell just by looking at them if they were in a bad mood. i will miss them very very much. i wish them well and am hoping that after the shock wears off that they will see this as a blessing and a push to do something better.

now i am one of the few left standing in accounting. i can only assume that i am still here based on my ability to adapt to change. personally i think it's because of my electric personality. whatever the reason i am lucky to have a job.

i just read where terry pratchett (my favorite author of all time) has been diagnosed with a rare form of early onset Alzheimer's. here's hoping that in between the drug company's hurried rush to produce drugs to give men erections and sustain them that they have been working on a drug to keep this disease at bay.

seems like old times

wow it feels like it's been forever since i wrote something.
so let's see if i can fill up some space.
it's december. and in december comes xmas. a poor month for me.
i had a girl xmas work party last friday. it was fun. i would like to take this time to say that I LOVE CHOCOLATE MARTINI'S. they are mmmm..mmmm good. the only drink where i lick the inside of the glass. tomorrow is the company party. that's were we get to dress up and have a nice sit down dinner. the band this year will be KEN SCAT SPRINGS. he and his band have been playin' our parties for years.

and during this busy and stressful month i believe that my company will go through a lay off. i hope i'm safe, i think i'm safe but....you never know. but it's all good. i am going with the belief that if i am suppose to be here then i will be. if the universe wants me to go out and do something else then maybe the upcoming week will be my last at this place.

i have gotten out of a summons for jury duty for the county that i used to live in. i have refinanced one of my home loans.

more in the upcoming weeks. here's to having a weekly income.

it's all about the shoes

around 8 years ago i bought these red shoes because i thought that they were coooolll. they have around a 5 inch heel and i've never worn them before. so since wednesday was halloween i decided that that was a perfect time to wear the shoes.
the 2nd pic is me at work at my desk. i came as "the devil u-know". you might not be able to see it but i am wearing one of the "hello my name is" stickers with "u-know" as the name. i thought it was pretty clever of me, especially since i got to wear the shoes but it was lost on a lot of people i work with.


i'd also like to tell everyone about my best friend david and his wife heather's new website store called roundaboutdancewear
check it out. i even make a guest appearance.

later taters

say hello to my little friend

meet sylas latham howard. he is my new nephew...or great nephew? i don't know but i do know that i am a great aunt.

1st pic-sy
2nd my nephew cliff & sy
3rd-the happy great granny(my mom) and sy

the gift of good writing

there are lots of things that excite me, and one of those things is finding an author who writes books that i want to devour. the last time i came across one of those authors (thanks goes out to my friend mike from man about murfreesboro for finding the book in the bargain bin at a chain bookstore and thought that i would like it) i fell in love. i fell in love with terry pratchett. he's british, he's funny and he is freakin brilliant. he is responsible for the DISC WORLD SERIES and so far NO ONE has even come close to the pedestal that i have him on. with that said a new author found it's way into my life last week. it seems that most of the ladies in my office has read her and even though she doesn't come close to terry pratchett she is on the ladder. her name is janet evanovich and she writes the STEPHANIE PLUM SERIES. they are crime novels and hilarious. her characters are well developed and the author understands cynical humor. i find myself laughing out loud as i read her books. when that happens i know that the author has found what it takes to turn me on.

luckily these authors always find me. i don't go out in search for them. i rarely go to a bookstore and buy books off the rack. i go to used book stores and our library here has a book sale every month. you can't beat a 50 cent book.

a small vacation

last week i went on a small vacation. a vacation where i had to drive. i don't really like to drive. on wed. drove down to lori's in georgia. the drive was pretty and below the mason dixon line. a plus. we then got ready to drive another 2ish hours to ashevelle nc. asheville is where my friend ida lives and works. she is the costume designer at UNCA and also teaches the make up class. lori taught a class on....well....severed fingers.



i never took any special effects make-up classes in college. it just wasn't my thing. and it's still not. but people who do take this classes really dig it. this class happened on thursday. also while in asheville lori and i went the the ASHEVILLE ARTS MUSEUM. we checked out the paper dress collection. it was a small collection and of course i couldn't touch them. i feel and learn through touch and museum's kind of frown on touching.

an top of all this i got to see ida. i know i look like an amazon in the pic but ida is a very small person.
i became friends with ida around 10 or so years ago. ida used to design the costumes at the NASHVILLE CHILDRENS THEATRE before it changed to Nashville Academy Theatre. somehow i got hooked up with a gig where i would go to NCT and be a stitcher for a couple of weeks. when i got there i met ida. ida is a tattooed, no-shoe wearing hippie. and we clicked immediatly. so after the first show-which was called "OPQRS" and was all orange, i then came back to help ida for the big shows year after year. that is until i got a real job and couldn't take that kind of time off. that and she moved back to n. carolina. needless to say, i miss ida and i'm glad i got to see her and spend time with her.
so lori and i had a good time in asheville. nice weather, nice scenary then started the drive back to georgia on thursday night.

friday was spent going to visit brenau college where lori works. saw her office and the campus and that night went to see a show for children. "THE EMPEROR'S NEW CLOTHES" the acting was great but the costumes were something a little less than complete. having been a stitcher for the theatre the costumes are something that i always look at. the dresses weren't hemmed and had strings hanging off the bottom. to me that's a big NO NO. if you are rushed for time the least you can do is serge the bottom. unfinished costumes are a reflection upon the designer.

saturday was the drive back to tennessee. got back before noon and was hoping to hang out with the bf brad. but that didn't happen. he was at a company installing...oh i don't know, something to do with a machine and didn't come home until after midnight sometime. oh well. at least he made money.

now what makes you think YOU are right?

yesterday started my 9th year at my place of employment. i have never stayed at a place longer than 4 years. what makes this job so different? i don't quite know. there are several reasons. i enjoy my job...most of the time. i pay bills for a living so it takes an organization that i can get into. it's problem solving, which i also enjoy. and my boss is always asking me to do something that really isn't my job but i don't always mind. when i first started there it was 5 minutes from my house. now it's 15 minutes away. i enjoy the people i work with and for. and the best reason of all is that i met brad there. 5 years ago we think. however, we didn't get togther until a little over 3 years ago. and i get to see him everyday.

i have never hidden the fact that i have an un-conventional belief system, but with that said my co-workers still can't get over some off the things i say. for the last couple of days we have been dealing with the 100's of boxes containing documents, financials and payables. when need to move the boxes to storage and shred what can be shreded. it can be an overwhelming task when you see the ocean of skids containing all this info. so i was getting ready to walk out the door with several of these woman when someone made a smart assed comment that i didn't catch and
"R" said "tracey can get a dorm room too".
"what are you talking about?' i said.
R reply's " "N" said that we were going to hell and we can all share dorm rooms"
me-"i'm not going to hell, i don't believe in it"

shocked silence
N says "what? well you might find out that you are wrong"
me-"and you might find out that your wrong"
i turn to leave and go find paper or something, and they apparently keep on talking about it. cause when we walk out together my boss (who wasn't around during the conversation) ask me what i said. i repeated again-"i can't go someplace that i don't believe in". and i changed the subject. it's nobody's business what i believe in and you can judge me all you want behind my back, but if you don't what me to become the bitch that i can be it's best not to question me on religion to my face. luckily everyone stopped talking about it.

as we all know i don't believe in the christian idea of hell or heaven. so i sometimes find it hard that others can't seem to let it go.
what makes you think YOU are right? how can you be an expert on the hereafter? did you go there and come back? oh i see god told you in a book and that makes it so. come on. the different sects of christians can't even agree on the bible itself. some preach only the old testament some the new. all this means is that you have a really big ego. i don't believe in hell or heaven because i have NO and i repeat NO idea what's going to happen to us after we die. no one does.

maybe next time when someone brings up me not believing in hell, i will tell them it's because i believe in reincarnation. that should be fun.

well would you look at the time

i took the day off today so i could have a four day weekend and when i started my coffee i thought to my self "maybe i'll post to my blog" and then another thought came to me "has it been a year yet?". and it has. a week ago last year i started the experiment of blogging. yeah me!!!!! whoo hooooo!!!. even though i haven't written everyday or every week i think i have written every month. i am proud of myself.

last night brad and i went to a preseason titan's game. his name was drawn at work for free tickets. luckily our employers are football and hockey fans and tickets are given away frequently. another bonus for us was a parking pass for lot A.

i would just like to say that i don't really care for football. i prefer hockey. i don't care for the crowds and the rush of everything. or the small and uncomfortable seats. in order to avoid the bad rush you need to arrive a couple of hours early before the game. and as the time ticks before the start of the game i play a little game inside my head. as i feel the tension and uneasyness growing from not knowing what is going on and being around that much energy and also not really getting into the football stadium scene i start to contemplate if this is what hell is like. ( i do this a lot and i don't believe in hell) the cyclical movement of waiting for hours for the game to start. not really being into it. feeling anxious and wishing that there was something else to do beside drinking. and just when kick off happens. boom. you are right back where you started. feeling anxious and out of your element. hell=repetition.

once the game starts i feel a little better. at least something is happening. and the titans won. at least they were winning when we left with 6 min left in the game. and i don't remember the guys name but #17 of the titans is a fast little fucker.

however, brad loves football and i hope he enjoyed himself.

one thing i do enjoy about sporting events is the national anthem. i feel a huge amount of pride when everyone stands to honor our flag. reguardless of how i feel about the people in charge of our great nation, when the "star spangled banner" is played there is a collective energy with a focus to celebrate the land that we live in. when i was growing up everyone put their hands on their hearts. i remember that if i didn't do that my mother would have hit me and reminded where my right hand should go. i have noticed that not everyone does that now. i think it's a little sad but that's just a reflection of a different generation.

i also sing along and i can honestly say that i have never made it through without crying, the lines that really get me are

"And the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there;
O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave"

here's to another year!

i don't know if i have ever mentioned that i don't believe in coincidences before. but i don't. for those out there who read "man about murfreesboro"s blog, the post that he wrote on 8/14/07 talks about his encounter with the sales person at a small computer store and this person's conspiracy theory on what he thinks really happened on 9/11/01.
well last night on the history channel there was a show about conspiracy theories for 9/11. along with those theories they would give you the expert's response. it was good. i don't know if i would have watched it last night if mike hadn't of wrote about it a week before. however, i learned that within the conspiracy world on 9/11 there are 2 factions.
the below descriptions are from wiki-not the best source but the easiest found

the LIHOP's ("let it happen on purpose") - this version suggests that key individuals within the government had at least some foreknowledge of the attacks and deliberately ignored them or even actively weakened America's defenses to ensure the hijacked flights were not intercepted.

and the MIHOP ("made it happen on purpose") - the strongest version suggests that key individuals within the government planned the attacks and collaborated with al-Qaeda in carrying them out. There is a range of opinion about how this might have been achieved.

both had good selling points but i'm not completely sold on the ideas. even though i believe that a demon spawn and his minions control the government and that the attacks were the excuse for starting a war, i can't in my heart believe that all these people would let america be attacked and thousands die to get what they wanted.

one man (i can't remember his name or his position in this dog fight) said that in order for these 2 main theories to be true, the government would have had to keep it a secret. so i feel that it's only a matter of time. secret's can't be kept forever. however, if the 2 main theories are true and people in the government let it or made 9/11 happen, may GOD have mercy on their souls because they will be cast into the 9th and last circle of HELL.
just had to throw in the dante reference.


and speaking of hell. it looks like we here in the south have gotten a break from the hellish heat. this weekend the heat broke and it rained both nights. at least at my house it rained. bringing down the temps to the 90's with the long overdue rain. my yard is straw. plants and bushes are dying. it got to a point that i was beginning to sacrifice plants. there was no way that i could water everything.

it's 2 damn hot

damn it's hot down here in the south. it's breaking over 100+ during the week and backing down to the comfortable high 90's during the weekend. i love the south, goddess knows i do but enough is enough.
this deep fried weather is proof why we here in the south are known to move at a snails pace.

the crazy winkler woman who killed her preacher husband because he made her wear stripper shoes has been let loose from the mental health facility she was put into after the jury found her guilty of manslaughter. she is now fighting for custody of her children who have been in the custody of her in-laws.

apparently pacman "thug" jones had an interview with bryant gumbel the other day. he mentions that even though he has been linked to 12 criminal incidents that he is no criminal. how many incidents does it take to be a criminal? sorry pacman-you are a thug and if i cared about football and was a fan of the tennessee titans i would make a pack never to watch football again until your sorry ass was kicked out of football forever. but alas i am not a fan. so my opinion or actions don't really matter.


and finally a salute to 2 senior ladies


"A would-be Murfreesboro thief got more than he bargained for Saturday evening when he hopped into a car with two of Tullahoma's toughest senior ladies.

According to police reports, a man tried to rob 68-year-old Ellen Holt and 78-year-old Inga Schultz in Rose's parking lot on Mercury Boulevard around 8 p.m. Saturday.

"The man got into the back seat and grabbed Ms. Schultz around the neck," Officer Tim Moghaddam reported. The suspect told the women he had a gun and demanded they give him their money.

But both ladies reportedly refused to give the man anything and started to slap him until he fled the vehicle."


go go grannies.

hello blog
well everything seems back to normal. lori is back home for now. she will be leaving in a few weeks to start her new job in georgia. i'm not happy to see her leave but at least she is staying below the mason dixon line.

brad has finally moved to the country. moving his renovated bus was an adventure by itself. it took 2 hours to go 30 miles. the bus is slow and then died at the first red light in woodbury. luckily it started and made it all the way to the top of the ridge. now he is living the luxurious life in the woods. with no electricity or water. but last week the port-a-potty showed up. it's all about what's important.

last monday i took a half a day off from work so i could read the last HARRY POTTER book. it took 11 hours to read with several breaks thrown in. i loved it. but i'm glad it's over. 9 years is a long time to invest in a story. i've never been one to try and guess what the author is thinking. i don't try to figure out who killed who or who did what. i would rather just ride. some thought i was crazy to use up my vacation time to read a book but i was afraid that i would find out the outcome from the media and i didn't want to take that chance.

finally saw LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE. LOVED IT. it was very funny and very touching.

harry potter and the order of the commercials

there is a tradition that me and a friend of mine at work have. we always take off 1/2 day of work to go see the openings of the HARRY POTTER movies. it's something that our boss laughs at and everyone else expects us to do. this year was different. the movie opened on a wednesday. what's up with that. were all the theatre's closing because they were seeing no income during the week??? whatever. we decided that we didn't want to take off in the middle of the week so we decided on friday.

now i should mention that it was my friend sarah who got me hooked into the HARRY POTTER series. the books had started coming out when i started working at my current job. she loaned me the books and that was it. i was there with all the other HARRY POTTER fans. so when the mention of a movie came up, me and sarah found it important enough to use up half of a vacation day to go see the movie.

back to the movie. in the last several years i have really hated going to the movie theatre. too many people who have bad movie etiquette. i didn't take out a small loan to afford seeing this movie to have dumb ass people get up every 15 minutes to go to the bathroom or go get food. nor did i spend said small fortune to listen to you talk to your neighbor or explain to your child whats going on. one time the people behind me was explaining to someone the entire movie. i assumed this person was blind. now i am all for people with handicaps experiencing movies and normal life for that matter but not during a movie that i paid to see. it's rude. wait until the movie comes out on dvd and talk all you want-in your own home.

but back to the movie. now not only do we have to sit through an hour of previews we are now subjected to commercials that we can see at home on tv. i hate commercials to begin with, i always flip to another channel to avoid commercials. commercials don't make me buy their products. and some commercials are so annoying by their constant playing time that i even refuse to but their product.

but back to the movie again. the movie was good. i enjoy seeing the books come to life and i never expect them to be JUST like the book. and i've read the books so i know how it's going to end. it's fun to see harry, hermione, ron and the rest of the cast grow up. the HARRY POTTER movies are so rich in color and detailed in visuals it's hard to catch everything the 1st time. therefore i have no problem seeing the movie again and again. my favorite scene is the weasley rebellion. i thought that the director and production company did a fantastic job showing the rebellion of the weasley twins during the O.W.L.S.

so the previews were lengthy and the movie was good. the last book comes out next week. the end of a series and what a series it has been. j.k.rowling tapped into something that will live on for a very long time. she writes so well that children and adults alike can sink right into the story. a very rare talent.

don't have major plumbing done a day before you leave the country

in less than a week many things can happen. especially if the week has a full moon in it.

my bff lori has been in france for a month, her husband david and her two girls were flying over on thursday to join her for another 2 weeks. in those 2 weeks i am splitting the house sitting with henry and di. the day before david left he had a plumber come and install a sink in their master bath......

on thursday at work i kept going back and forth in my mind if i should go there on thursday or friday. back and forth, back and forth. i decided on thursday. i walked in, gave the cats some more food, went into the kitchen and heard a sound...ssssssssss. what the hell? i went into their bedroom and heard the sound coming from their bathroom. i opened up the door and was greeted with water spraying everywhere. it was coming from the sink. hmmm. well now, what to do. i need to cut off the water. i can do that cause i've had lot's of experience at my house with plumbing and cutting the water off at the street. then the issue raised of where might the tool be to do that. so i called henry and di's home phone. no dice. i found out later that a tree had fallen on the telephone line and it was out. so i called di. no answer. shit. i then was going to call lori in france but didn't have her #. so i had to call bf brad at work and have him go to my desk and give me the #. called lori but she couldn't help me cause the tool wasn't where it was suppose to be. of course not. my choice at that time was to call the utilites dept and have them cut it off. however, as soon as i hung up from lori, diane called. david and the girls haven't left yet and it was 5pm. they were suppose to leave at 9ish am. however, david told me where the tool was and i cut the water off. so after a lot of yelling with david and trying to find the tool and me getting wet, the water was shut off. after that di called back and told me to turn off the breaker to the water heater. ok. where's the fuse box? i should mention that david and lori may be the ONLY people who don't have a cordless phone so i was limited in my search. fuck it. i hung up with di and went to get me cell from my car and called di back. found the fuse box. found the breaker. done. put some towels down and left. i knew the problem was in good hands cause diane works for an insurance company and deals with house damage (well that's my best summary of her job). so she knows here stuff. diane showed up and henry came over with a dehumidifier and then proceeded to rip up the carpet in the bedroom. the damage had already started. luckily david and lori were going to get rid of the carpet anyway. and luckily i came on thursday and not friday. several more things went down at that house but i can't talk about those things. david and lori may read this and i don't want to give them more surprises.


so that was thursday. the next adventure is helping bf brad move out of his house.

when i was young

the days

the days go by she lays alone
in solitude in a corner of the room
the howling wind like the stormy sea
soak through the cracks in the door
midnight came she heard no more


i found this poem the other day. i wrote this when i was in 4th or 5th grade.  as a 40 year old i find this poem and others from that time frame to be very melancholy. i did read a lot of poe, mythology and arthurian legends before and during high school. maybe that had something to do with my state of mind.   as a young child and into my early 20's i was not a happy camper.  i felt that i didn't fit in with my environment and that GOD had made a mistake in bringing me into this time period. (already with the metaphysical beliefs)  however, i do need to mention that i didn't have a bad family life.    i just didn't fit.   i remember when i was 6 or 7 i asked my parents what an identity crisis was, which i may add, didn't give me the answer i was looking for.  my mother asked jokingly "why? do you not know who you are?" duh of course not.    i remember playing it off as something i heard on the tv and let the issue drop.   i wasn't going to find out the answer from them.  it look me until college to find out those answers.

i'm sure some of you who know me wont find it odd that most of my poetry involves death or dying or human issues.  however, the ones who know me might find it odd that i wrote poetry since there are but a few who have ever read them. in 5th grade i won most honorable mention in a poetry contest that an organization in the county sponsored.  it was about sunrise's and not about death.  i was playing up to the masses. 

i haven't written anything in a long time.  i realize now that for me to write i need to be in a state of depression or really focused and passionate about something.   that's when i get the good stuff out. a catharsis if you will.

so i have decided to start putting some of my poetry on my blog. not so much for others to read but to let them go.

peace out

what is that wet stuff?

something happened here in the south that hasn't happened in a long time. we have been waiting for it. we have been praying for it. we were beginning to wonder if we would ever see it again.

today a work, the clouds became dark and the air was heavy to breath, then the clouds opened up with rumbles and flashes and it began to RAIN. rain has become such a rarity down here in the barren south that when the wet stuff dropped people were outside watching it, the ones not on the outside were in front of the windows in wonder at it. usually that's what happens when there is a tornado or hail storm but not today. today as a collective were watching it rain.

simple rain.

what's in bloom

here are 2 flowers that are in bloom at my house right now.
these are primrose's. a friend of mine at work gave me these last year. since they didn't come up last year i thought that they had died out. but this year i saw them growing and thought that they might be weeds. cause i have a hard time remembering where i planted what. but i didn't pull them up because a little voice in my head said "stop" you planted something there.














********* these are nicatania's. these came from bf brad several years ago. this is the first year that i didn't have to start them from seed. they bloom all year long and smell wonderful.


well my bff has left for france for the summer. i know that she will have great time and i will miss her very much. our friend di set her up with a blog. "cathead a la boheme" and i've added the link to my favorites.

happy memorial day

happy memorial day everyone!
i thought i would take a moment and update my blog for the holiday. the last time i was here i showed you my new tattoo. the tattoo is healed, however, it did itch like a mother for weeks after.

we need rain bad down here in the south. i can't tell you how long it's been since the sky opened up and poured down it's liquid refreshment. when we go through dry periods down here it reminds me that i don't think i could live in the west, or in any area that doesn't see a lot of rain. i've grown accustomed to the color green and the growth of things.

george bush is still delusional and will become increasing irrelevant as the years go by.

charles nelson reilly died at the age of 76. i loved watching him on "the match game" even at a young age i knew there was something different about him. as i got older i found out the he was gay. in the a/p report that i read, reilly mentions that a network exective told him "they don't let queers on television". well they did and he set the ground work for many to follow.

my BFF david turned 40 recently. now he is getting older like the rest of us.

my BF brad will be turing 40 next week. he will also be getting older like the rest of us but still reminds me that i am older. if we are still experiencing the drought he will be golfing on his important day instead of having a lovely birthday evening with me. it's your birthday baby-do whatever makes you happy...but you will be missing out on any sexual favors that i promised.

i think that's it for now. remember today to take a few moments from your drinking and grilling to remember the soldiers who have fought for this country and your freedoms. like me you may not agree with wars and fighting but hate the game not the players.

peace

my new tattoo

take a look at my new tattoo. i think he's awesome. this picture was taken minutes after i got it. this peacock is called a "cailech" peacock. it's celtic but to me looks a little like a rooster. but it's not. notice the weaving of the tail. you'll notice that the greens and yellow look a little muddy but that's because there is blood underneath the skin. it will take several days for that to go away but then the color will pop out. it might not look big but in reality it's a big piece for me. the stencil was about 4"x6" but gets bigger when i stretch out my back.

brad's sister anna came down this weekend and brought her tatto equipment with her. months ago i had mentioned that i wanted another tattoo. and i finally decided on this one. after coloring in the picture hundreds of different ways, brad, anna and i came up with this coloring. and i am very pleased by the look. it reminds me of a rainbow.

so on thursday night i went over to brads. brad was gone golfing and it was only anna and i. i'm glad that this experience started with only her and i. i was nervous and scared. nervous because it was permanent and scared because i knew it was going to hurt and i didn't know if i would be able to stand the pain.

so we start. the black lines come first. and the pain started. for those who have never received a tattoo, to me it feels like someone is dragging a needle deep into your skin. and that is what is happening. 5 needles are used to draw the black lines, which hurts more than the shading that uses 15 needles. it's important to stay very still for the black lines, which anna said i did very well. but for those who know me i am very figgetty and can't stay still for very long. the outline took an hour to do. by that time my endorphins had kicked in but didn't take away the pain. after the black lines came the shading. anna used 12 colors in this tattoo, which i understand to be alot of color. the shading took about 2 1/2 hours to complete. after about 3 hours your body has stopped producing endorphins and for me that last 1/2 hour felt like it was never going to end. but it did end. and i am very pleased with it. now comes the healing. and right now it feels like someone has burned my back. but i know that will go away soon and i will be left with a piece of art that will always be with me to the day i die.

this tattoo marks my 40 years of living. it was painful but life can be painful. no pain no gain-right? there are also a lot of symbolisms with the peacock but too many to mention here. my other tattoo is of a peacock feather that i got in my 30's. i find peacocks to be beautiful and after years of reading about them i have found that almost every culture has a legend or reverence of peacocks. i find my self fortunate to have had anna do my tattoo. i love her a lot and find her very talented. she was patient with me and allowed me to be myself during the process. something that a person at a tattoo parlor would have never allowed. and in turn the pain became more tolerable.

so after 3 1/2 hours of pain and probably days of discomfort the question arises, "will i get another one?" you bet your ass i will.

old friends, good times

 

on saturday i went over the "the badgers" house.  he was having a get together for a mutual friend of ours who lives in alaska.  tim and his wife kathy come into town every couple of years or so and it's great to get to see them when they do.  the night started out a little low key until tim's tullahoma "boys" showed up with the "dickel".  i haven't seen the tullahoma "boys" in many years and it was good to see them also.  rehashing old times, tim playing "the beatles" songs and us trying to remember the words.  some things never change.  what has changed was tim's ablility as a musician.

 

i became friends with tim back in my early years of college.  and even though almost 2 decades have passed since the first meeting, there are parts of tim that haven't changed.  i can't quite describe what those parts might be, but they are still there and i love him just the same for it.  i remember many years of hangin out at tim's house with whoever he was living with at the time.  i know now that some of us intruded upon them constantly but i look back at those years as good memories and i wouldn't trade those times for nothing.  i don't know if i have said this before but along life's path we met people who make impacts upon us.  some come in our lives and then quickly fade away, some come in and never leave.  i've been fortunate to have friends that have never left.  i may not see them as much as others but the connection is there and it doesn't take long to take up right where we left off. 

 

and i like kathy (tim's wife) also.  she is a bunch of fun.  she's funny and cute and they match as a couple.  and she does seem to be the grounded one, but the women usually are. 

 

they both mentioned that they sometimes read my blog.  so i would like to say again that it was great seeing them and i wish i could see them more.  maybe one day i'll take my lazy butt up to alaska for a vacation.  i love ya both.

time for a new do

i've decided that it was time to get my hair cut....short.  it's been long for oh so many years.  but several months ago i felt that it was time to be rid of the hair and the emotions and baggage imbedded in it.  so it's 4:15 pm on friday and in 15 minutes it's "put up or shut up" time.  i have also been preparing people that the time is coming.  not so much to hear what they have to say but to soften the blow for me when they see it.   i keep looking in the mirror today and saying to myself that this is the last time you will see it like this.  it's time to leave....talk to ya later.

well, after almost busting into tears, the weight has come off my head. after the first cut, i was fine. i know that it's only hair and i know that it can grow back but having long hair for a long time and then cutting it short is like saying goodbye to an old friend.
after she started cutting i could feel the weight being lifted off my shoulders. i kept sighing in relief and tina thought i was sighing because it was taking a long time. but the question is-do i like it? yes and no. yes it looks better and healthier and no not so much right now because my hair is in shock and it's taking a little bit longer to style. oh well, it's only day 2


onto saturday-
my sister and i drove to our family home in cleveland to attend our brother and sister-in-laws 25th anniversary surprise party. my nephew who works at the mall there had reserved the "community room" for the party and our brother and sister-in-law(myles & janie) thought they were coming to the mall for free family pictures that my nephew cliff had received from his work. cliff was the ring master of this party by the way- it was his idea and orchastration. cliff had told them that they couldn't come early because the photographer wasn't getting there until 6:30 and wouldn't be ready until 7.
everyone has known about the party for months. and after it was all said and done we were surprised that NO ONE had spilled the beans about the party. about 15 people on janie's side of the family was there, they came from west tennessee and had managed to keep it a secret.
getting them there wasn't that hard but myles couldn't understand how a good photographer could get set up in 30 minutes. myles had worked for a great photographer and knew that it look longer than that to set up. and also that they have a friend of the family that is a awesome photographer, and could get him anytime, so why waste time on pictures by someone else. janie kept wondering if she was dressed o'k. but they came on time and when the door was opened they in were shock. we all said surprise and happy anniversary but the first thing janie said was "well there's my momma and daddy" they couldn't quite put everything together. then janie got it and started crying like we all knew she would. now my brother on the other hand just stood there with his mouth open and was speechless, which doesn't happen a lot in my family, but he was speechless for about 5 minutes. he then started joking that everyone had known for months and everyone had lied to him. i reminded him that we didn't lie we just didn't tell him.

so the party was great. the night was filled with hugs, kisses, tears and happiness. and to myles and janie's joy-presents. at the end janie thanked everyone for coming and my brother cried his thanks. my brother has gone through a rough several years. waking up in the morning wondering if he had any friends left to stand by him. but god kept telling him to count the small blessings in his life. and last night was a confirmation of those small blessings.

when myles and janie first met it was in december. myles told her that she was the one he was going to marry. janie blew him off. they married that next march and have been together for 25 years.

thanks gerry

me and brad went to see "300" on thursday. if you are not familiar yet with this movie, it is a semi-historical tale of the battle of thermopylae in 480 b.c. based on the graphic novel by frank miller. frank miller also wrote "sin city", i saw "sin city" and have decided hands down that "300" was much better for many many reasons. the biggest reason was gerard butler. i've been a fan of gerry's (apparently he likes to be called gerry because he doesn't like the way americans pronounce his name) since he was in "attila" in a tv miniseries. he and his soldiers and their air brushed abs won me over, not to mention that the movie was great to look at. it was visual pleasing in so many many ways. yes i know i'm being redundant but you had to be there.
it was a "dick" and "chick" flick all rolled up into one movie. eye candy for the women and fighting to the death for the men.

last night i watched on the history channel the historical tale of the battle of thermopylae. it is thought that without this battle at the pass of thermopylae and the heroic deaths of king leonidas of sparta and his men, the infant idea of democracy would have been stamped out by the persians. it also gave the greeks more time to get there shit together and organize against the persians. this epic battle also helped glue together the city states of greece to become a nation. of course there were more that 300 men in this battle but it was the 300 spartans and king leonidas who led this battle and were the trained fighting force behind it.

and as a ending thought-movies are our cultures way of storytelling. if i wasn't a fan of gerard butler i wouldn't have gone to the theatre to see "300", without seeing this movie i probably wouldn't have watched the show on the history channel and without watching the show on the history channel would never have heard the story of the 300 spartans and the battle of thermopylae. thank you gerry for leading me to this information.

a death

as we all know by now, ANNA NICOLE SMITH has died. the news is everywhere. they say it's such a tragic death, dying 5 months after her son died and leaving behind a new born. but i don't find it to be a shock. based on what i always saw in the media she was headed on a downward spiral. news reports say that they didn't find any illegal drugs in the hotel room nor did they find any signs of pills or capsules in her stomach. but my theory is that she overdosed. i don't necessarily think she did it intentionally but she was on too many drugs and it finally caught up with her. i also believe that she was hooked up with the wrong person. howard k stern. like anna's family i believe that he was partly responsible for her death. and i could be led to believe that he was involved in her sons death. the news reports also say that the drugs they found were in his name. and i don't believe he is the father of anna's baby. i think even though he claims to have been in love with her, he was a gold digger and wanted to control her life for his benefit.

but why do i mention any of this? i've never been a big fan of anna nicole. i write this today because her death is no different from all the other countless women's deaths that happen across the country ever day. a pretty woman who sought attention from others to fill in the hole that was created in her heart. a pretty woman who got pregnant at a young age and wanted fame and fortune and had the body and the initiative to find it. and also a woman who put her trust in the wrong person, a controlling man who confused love with possession. a man who possibly helped her stay dependent on drugs. prescription or illegal, drugs are the same. it just comes down to what you can afford. but it happens all the time to women everywhere. and their deaths most of the time go without notice. and that's tragic.

anna nicole's death is more tragic only because we know who she was and had watched her life unfold. she became familiar to us so therefore we have more sympathy, even though the events that led to her death is nothing new but came with a different face. now we as the public will be looking for the stories that come from the baby. personally i hope the child inherits all of the billionaire's money, or a good percentage of it, also hoping that the child's father isn't howard k stern and the baby will grow up with love and affection and the unhealthy cycle that led to her mothers death broken.

and finally i bet the crazy astronaut woman was filled with glee that she was replaced on the front pages of the media by a bigger story.

young at heart

3 days after turning 40 and the only change i can think of is remembering that i am mortal. and i really hate that. i enjoyed thinking that i was going to live forever. that death was a long way away. but ohhh not now.

my birthday dinner that i made my friend lori throw for me was nice. i have kept in touch with everyone at the party but not everyone at the party had kept in touch with each other. it was fun seeing that the dynamics between these people haven't changed in 20 years. 20 years ago when we were barely legal. i had thought about inviting everyone that i knew but that was too many. i'm waiting for 50 to do that. so i decided that it would be those that i was very very tight with for almost 2 decades. and it ended up not being that many. but it was enough for me to be proud of the fact that i had these friends. these are the people who have known me the longest, and still liked me. they know the crazy things i did in my 20's. hell, these were the people that i was doing those crazy things with and sometimes still do crazy things with. at one point lori had pulled out her pictures. and there we all were. not everyone there ran in the same circles, but since we went to school together we had party-ed with each other. a lot of us were thinner and some of the others had hair. we used to be able to drink for hours and now were conservative in our partake-ness of alcohol...well some of us anyway. so thanks to lori for hosting and everyone else that came. and it's the relationships that i have with these people that keeps me feeling young. and thanks to mike for smoking salmon on a rainy sunday just for me.

the big 40

happy birthday to me
happy birthday to me
happy birthday to meeeee
happy birthday to me

i woke up this morning not aware that it was my birthday. but after awhile it came to me. and 2 things stood out as i got up to start my day. my coffee pot died halfway through it's brew. maybe the universe was telling me to stop drinking coffee or it was time to get a new one. i think i'm going with getting a new one. i don't drink that much coffee.

now onto the 2nd thing. pink floyd lyrics keep running through my head. i watched the "LORDS OF DOGTOWN" last night. i don't know why. i was never into the skateboarding craze. but since it was set in the '70's, songs from that time were playing in the background. it was at the end of the movie when one of the characters died that i heard it. "WISH YOU WERE HERE" and along with that song came one of the most meaningful lines..."we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year" i can't explain why that line touches me so, but it does. it's sad and beautiful at the same time. even though i'm not a pink floyd fan and i couldn't even begin to tell you song titles or the history of the band but there are a lot of pink floyd songs that touches me that other songs can't come close to.

so i started to retrace the history of pink floyd in my life. maybe it's because today is a milestone for me and i have started the morning off with retrospection.

when i was around 10 "THE WALL" came out and one of the only songs that got airplay was 'WE DON'T NEED NO EDUCATION" and as i write this i don't even know if this is the correct name of the song but you get what i'm talking about. anyway, that song had a power to me. i loved singing that song. while all of my other girlfriends were into other girly songs, i was always singing that song. it wasn't until i was in college and in my mid-20's that i finally saw the movie. but by that time "COMFORTABLE NUMB" was making it's mark on me. around that time i had fallen into a very deep depression. and that song put words to my emotions and thoughts.

"There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb."

i could have listened to that song constantly, i think it soothed me to know that someone else knew the feeling of hopeless and loss and that i wasn't alone. as a side note i also got into the "CARPENTERS" song "RAINY DAYS AND MONDAYS"

luckily time went by and i had risen above the stagnant waters that my soul was bathing in. i had also decided that i would never go that low again. my spirit would never feel that "numbness". and over the years every time i heard that song, instead of feeling sad because it was associated with that sad time of my life, i felt comforted. i saw the beauty in it. maybe it's because it helped me embrace my dragon instead of slaying it.

change can be good.

went over to mike and dollie's yesterday. dollie was out of town so mike and i talked and did geeky things. like change the look of my page. if you didn't already guess i love peacocks. he also helped me change over to bloggers new template. to be honest it's all very confusing for me. but i woke up this morning excited about changing other things on my page but much to my dismay i can't change my settings. error, error, error. ok but what's the freakin' error? AARRGGG. i am hoping that it's my computer system. i guess i will find out on monday at work when i try it there.

a week from tomorrow i will be turning 40. one of the things that i have noticed is the older i get the less i give a shit about a lot of things. now if you know me, you may have thought that i have always been that way. i never set out to hurt peoples feelings, it just seemed to happen. maybe it was because the tone of my voice lacked tact. but oh well. i have been fortunate to have friends that saw past that and excepted me anyway. i attribute that to my charismatic personality.

here's an fyi for you- i heard mike tyson use the word "gregarious" in an interview the other day. he used it correctly. and i was shocked i tell you. mike tyson using words like gregarious is like bush showing compassion.

happy new year

the floors and clean. the clothes are washed. the car has a full tank
of gas. the trash has been taking out and it's 2007. it's become a
habit of mine to make sure things are clean and full and empty for the
new year. if you start out the year clean, full and empty of trash you
can be prepared for the rest of the year. i also smudged my house to
clean out the bad negative energy's and burned sweet grass to bring in
the good positive energy.

i started my celebration of the new year of saturday at my best friend
and his wife's. they had a new year eve eve party. it was a quiet
affair with lots of food and laughter and one of my favorite things...a
give away table. the only place that i have ever experienced a give
away table are around pagan's. it's fun and and great way to get rid
of things that you don't need anymore and pick up something that you
have been wanting or in most cases where what you have been needing.
on saturday i found a horse shoe. of all the things on the table to
choose from i kept coming back to the horse shoe. since i didn't know
who brought it i started asking around. and come to find out it was
brought by a man named jim who has horses and shoes his own. he tells
me that it's tradition to hang up a horse shoe that had been used and
found. i guess the iron needs to have been worked and used in order
for the metal to do it's work. he also included 2 nails and a legend
about the horse shoe. in this legend the devil hears the sound of the
blacksmith and decides to get his own self shod. he goes to the
blacksmith, who realizes who the customer is, but he agrees to shoe the
devil. he shoes him with the red hot shoes and drives the nails in
deep. the devil pays the blacksmith who then in turns burns the money
knowing that it can come to no good and went about his day. but the
devil found the shoes to be hurtful then painful and tried and tried to
remove the shoes. finally he pulled them from his feet and throw them
far away. and devil has been avoiding horseshoes every since.
now i don't really believe in the "devil" but i do believe that i can
use as much luck as i can. so i hung up the horse shoe above my door.

last night i brought in the new year in a different way that i have in
the past. doing nothing. well...not nothing. i went over to brads
house and hung out with him and the kids for a while . we shot off
fireworks and then after the kids went to bed i came home and watched a
"entourage" marathon until 12 and then went to bed.

today went to mike and dollies annual new year brunch. drank some
mimosa's chatted with people then came home and cleaned my house. i
would like to send a new year shout out to those who were there who
reads my blog.

and finally for today i would like to say that i have mentioned before
that i don't go in for the new year resolutions but this year i am
going to try weight watchers. mike and dollie have been doing it for
awhile and have been successful at it. and i figured it mike can do
it (his a picky eater like me) then i can. it's 5:30 and i'm hungry.

tata for now