young at heart

3 days after turning 40 and the only change i can think of is remembering that i am mortal. and i really hate that. i enjoyed thinking that i was going to live forever. that death was a long way away. but ohhh not now.

my birthday dinner that i made my friend lori throw for me was nice. i have kept in touch with everyone at the party but not everyone at the party had kept in touch with each other. it was fun seeing that the dynamics between these people haven't changed in 20 years. 20 years ago when we were barely legal. i had thought about inviting everyone that i knew but that was too many. i'm waiting for 50 to do that. so i decided that it would be those that i was very very tight with for almost 2 decades. and it ended up not being that many. but it was enough for me to be proud of the fact that i had these friends. these are the people who have known me the longest, and still liked me. they know the crazy things i did in my 20's. hell, these were the people that i was doing those crazy things with and sometimes still do crazy things with. at one point lori had pulled out her pictures. and there we all were. not everyone there ran in the same circles, but since we went to school together we had party-ed with each other. a lot of us were thinner and some of the others had hair. we used to be able to drink for hours and now were conservative in our partake-ness of alcohol...well some of us anyway. so thanks to lori for hosting and everyone else that came. and it's the relationships that i have with these people that keeps me feeling young. and thanks to mike for smoking salmon on a rainy sunday just for me.

the big 40

happy birthday to me
happy birthday to me
happy birthday to meeeee
happy birthday to me

i woke up this morning not aware that it was my birthday. but after awhile it came to me. and 2 things stood out as i got up to start my day. my coffee pot died halfway through it's brew. maybe the universe was telling me to stop drinking coffee or it was time to get a new one. i think i'm going with getting a new one. i don't drink that much coffee.

now onto the 2nd thing. pink floyd lyrics keep running through my head. i watched the "LORDS OF DOGTOWN" last night. i don't know why. i was never into the skateboarding craze. but since it was set in the '70's, songs from that time were playing in the background. it was at the end of the movie when one of the characters died that i heard it. "WISH YOU WERE HERE" and along with that song came one of the most meaningful lines..."we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year" i can't explain why that line touches me so, but it does. it's sad and beautiful at the same time. even though i'm not a pink floyd fan and i couldn't even begin to tell you song titles or the history of the band but there are a lot of pink floyd songs that touches me that other songs can't come close to.

so i started to retrace the history of pink floyd in my life. maybe it's because today is a milestone for me and i have started the morning off with retrospection.

when i was around 10 "THE WALL" came out and one of the only songs that got airplay was 'WE DON'T NEED NO EDUCATION" and as i write this i don't even know if this is the correct name of the song but you get what i'm talking about. anyway, that song had a power to me. i loved singing that song. while all of my other girlfriends were into other girly songs, i was always singing that song. it wasn't until i was in college and in my mid-20's that i finally saw the movie. but by that time "COMFORTABLE NUMB" was making it's mark on me. around that time i had fallen into a very deep depression. and that song put words to my emotions and thoughts.

"There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb."

i could have listened to that song constantly, i think it soothed me to know that someone else knew the feeling of hopeless and loss and that i wasn't alone. as a side note i also got into the "CARPENTERS" song "RAINY DAYS AND MONDAYS"

luckily time went by and i had risen above the stagnant waters that my soul was bathing in. i had also decided that i would never go that low again. my spirit would never feel that "numbness". and over the years every time i heard that song, instead of feeling sad because it was associated with that sad time of my life, i felt comforted. i saw the beauty in it. maybe it's because it helped me embrace my dragon instead of slaying it.

change can be good.

went over to mike and dollie's yesterday. dollie was out of town so mike and i talked and did geeky things. like change the look of my page. if you didn't already guess i love peacocks. he also helped me change over to bloggers new template. to be honest it's all very confusing for me. but i woke up this morning excited about changing other things on my page but much to my dismay i can't change my settings. error, error, error. ok but what's the freakin' error? AARRGGG. i am hoping that it's my computer system. i guess i will find out on monday at work when i try it there.

a week from tomorrow i will be turning 40. one of the things that i have noticed is the older i get the less i give a shit about a lot of things. now if you know me, you may have thought that i have always been that way. i never set out to hurt peoples feelings, it just seemed to happen. maybe it was because the tone of my voice lacked tact. but oh well. i have been fortunate to have friends that saw past that and excepted me anyway. i attribute that to my charismatic personality.

here's an fyi for you- i heard mike tyson use the word "gregarious" in an interview the other day. he used it correctly. and i was shocked i tell you. mike tyson using words like gregarious is like bush showing compassion.

happy new year

the floors and clean. the clothes are washed. the car has a full tank
of gas. the trash has been taking out and it's 2007. it's become a
habit of mine to make sure things are clean and full and empty for the
new year. if you start out the year clean, full and empty of trash you
can be prepared for the rest of the year. i also smudged my house to
clean out the bad negative energy's and burned sweet grass to bring in
the good positive energy.

i started my celebration of the new year of saturday at my best friend
and his wife's. they had a new year eve eve party. it was a quiet
affair with lots of food and laughter and one of my favorite things...a
give away table. the only place that i have ever experienced a give
away table are around pagan's. it's fun and and great way to get rid
of things that you don't need anymore and pick up something that you
have been wanting or in most cases where what you have been needing.
on saturday i found a horse shoe. of all the things on the table to
choose from i kept coming back to the horse shoe. since i didn't know
who brought it i started asking around. and come to find out it was
brought by a man named jim who has horses and shoes his own. he tells
me that it's tradition to hang up a horse shoe that had been used and
found. i guess the iron needs to have been worked and used in order
for the metal to do it's work. he also included 2 nails and a legend
about the horse shoe. in this legend the devil hears the sound of the
blacksmith and decides to get his own self shod. he goes to the
blacksmith, who realizes who the customer is, but he agrees to shoe the
devil. he shoes him with the red hot shoes and drives the nails in
deep. the devil pays the blacksmith who then in turns burns the money
knowing that it can come to no good and went about his day. but the
devil found the shoes to be hurtful then painful and tried and tried to
remove the shoes. finally he pulled them from his feet and throw them
far away. and devil has been avoiding horseshoes every since.
now i don't really believe in the "devil" but i do believe that i can
use as much luck as i can. so i hung up the horse shoe above my door.

last night i brought in the new year in a different way that i have in
the past. doing nothing. well...not nothing. i went over to brads
house and hung out with him and the kids for a while . we shot off
fireworks and then after the kids went to bed i came home and watched a
"entourage" marathon until 12 and then went to bed.

today went to mike and dollies annual new year brunch. drank some
mimosa's chatted with people then came home and cleaned my house. i
would like to send a new year shout out to those who were there who
reads my blog.

and finally for today i would like to say that i have mentioned before
that i don't go in for the new year resolutions but this year i am
going to try weight watchers. mike and dollie have been doing it for
awhile and have been successful at it. and i figured it mike can do
it (his a picky eater like me) then i can. it's 5:30 and i'm hungry.

tata for now