the big 40

happy birthday to me
happy birthday to me
happy birthday to meeeee
happy birthday to me

i woke up this morning not aware that it was my birthday. but after awhile it came to me. and 2 things stood out as i got up to start my day. my coffee pot died halfway through it's brew. maybe the universe was telling me to stop drinking coffee or it was time to get a new one. i think i'm going with getting a new one. i don't drink that much coffee.

now onto the 2nd thing. pink floyd lyrics keep running through my head. i watched the "LORDS OF DOGTOWN" last night. i don't know why. i was never into the skateboarding craze. but since it was set in the '70's, songs from that time were playing in the background. it was at the end of the movie when one of the characters died that i heard it. "WISH YOU WERE HERE" and along with that song came one of the most meaningful lines..."we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year" i can't explain why that line touches me so, but it does. it's sad and beautiful at the same time. even though i'm not a pink floyd fan and i couldn't even begin to tell you song titles or the history of the band but there are a lot of pink floyd songs that touches me that other songs can't come close to.

so i started to retrace the history of pink floyd in my life. maybe it's because today is a milestone for me and i have started the morning off with retrospection.

when i was around 10 "THE WALL" came out and one of the only songs that got airplay was 'WE DON'T NEED NO EDUCATION" and as i write this i don't even know if this is the correct name of the song but you get what i'm talking about. anyway, that song had a power to me. i loved singing that song. while all of my other girlfriends were into other girly songs, i was always singing that song. it wasn't until i was in college and in my mid-20's that i finally saw the movie. but by that time "COMFORTABLE NUMB" was making it's mark on me. around that time i had fallen into a very deep depression. and that song put words to my emotions and thoughts.

"There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb."

i could have listened to that song constantly, i think it soothed me to know that someone else knew the feeling of hopeless and loss and that i wasn't alone. as a side note i also got into the "CARPENTERS" song "RAINY DAYS AND MONDAYS"

luckily time went by and i had risen above the stagnant waters that my soul was bathing in. i had also decided that i would never go that low again. my spirit would never feel that "numbness". and over the years every time i heard that song, instead of feeling sad because it was associated with that sad time of my life, i felt comforted. i saw the beauty in it. maybe it's because it helped me embrace my dragon instead of slaying it.