out of the blue

this year has been hard financially for me. from the beginning of the year to now, i have been spending money on things that were needed around my house. gutters, water heater, a new shed, mower, car fixed. this weekend was the first time in a long time where i took a list to the grocery store and wrote down the price of the product so i could keep up with how much i was spending. my last post was about taking my car in to be fixed. granted poor viviene needed it so i’m not bitching about it. but i have started to feel the strain of not having money available. i live alone and i am the soul provider of my household. there isn't another person who can help pull the load. but i manage. all of my bills are paid. i don’t have creditors hounding me. even though i am living month to month and sometimes week to week i still feel fortunate to have a roof over my head and all my bills paid. i have never made it a habit to "really" complain about not having money. it's always a good day if you have a roof over your head and food on the table.

but lately a numb depression has been surrounding me. “how am i going to afford christmas?” it’s a month away and i am so cash poor that i can’t even use my credit card to ease the tension. but at the same time that the numbness was taking over, i also felt a calmness about it also. maybe the numb feeling was the calm. don’t know. that’s a new feeling for me. and then today in the mail a blessing happened.

i have never in my life received an anonymous gift in the mail. but today, at work no less, i received mail that was addressed to me care of my work. it was a typed letter with a MERRY CHRISTMAS sticker on the front and a NO PEEKING sticker on the back. i was thinking that one of the sites had mailed their invoices to me with the christmas stickers stuck on the outside. however, when i opened it up there was a white piece of paper with MERRY CHRISTMAS typed on it and cash. yes cash. a lot of cash. for me it was a lot of cash. i was in tears. someone thought enough about me to send me money. and i don’t even know who it is. i haven’t voiced my “really broke” issue with many people. well maybe i do have an idea who it might be but i am not sure. it so came out of the blue but i guess that’s what blessings are. that money will take care of 3 birthday’s and 5 christmas gifts.

now i have to think about should i call the person who i think it is? but if that person wanted me to know who it was they would have put their name on it. either way they have made my day. i have had that good gooing feeling since lunch.

and i also know that even though i am broke as shit, i have friends who love me and care about me. and i could never repay that. i can only pay that forward. so thank you whoever sent me the money and thank you goddess for helping chose good friends. i am blessed.